Life

Life can be so strange. As in, I often have a hard time believing who I am; where I am; where I've been.

In the midst of all that confusion, I have to pinch myself to believe that God allowed me the wonderful joy of being the father of two awesome children. Part of me is able to just feel the happy memories. Part of me bows before God to know that both my children far exceed their father in accomplishments and maturity.

Lately I have felt a new emotion- separation anxiety. My children have built their own lives now. If I had a nest, it would be empty.

I wonder too what it must be like to have me as a father. From the beginning, I tried to explain the world to them. Was that boring? Did it make sense? What made me feel at all qualified? Did anything I did or said actually make any difference? How about the negatives I brought to the table?

Maybe you can tell that I am not feeling very strong these days. While I am often quite arrogant, that part of me is missing lately. So be it. June seems to be for me the occasion for a down cycle most years.

Meanwhile, I really want my children to know how much I love them. You wouldn't think that would be so very hard, but then you are probably not like me (I will not even attempt an explanation of what I mean).

Often words come easily to me. Expressing how I feel about my children is not one of those times. Perhaps there are no words. The thing is just too big and too important and words are just too small a container, like trying to store a mighty river in a sandwich bag. Even what the sandwich bag can hold is no longer much like the original thing.

So all I can do is hope. Hope they know or at least suspect the depth of my love for them. May God grant me that small mercy. It is important that they know.

Maybe it takes the skill of a poet. This is just not a skill I possess. Normally, it is not a skill I even think about. So be it. Perhaps that skill would not help anyway.

Besides, I think I probably knock together some Hallmark-y words, in fact I am sure of it. If I could write them too the level of heaven this would not equal one hug. That is what I am missing, the hugs.