Inside Depression

Fear and anger, most would agree are negative emotions.

In fighting against depression lo these many years, I have had the chance to develop some data about this state of being. Besides being painful, depression is mysterious and puzzling.

Currently I am attempting once again to go without traditional antidepressant medication. For many months I was okay. That has happened before. There have also been times where I stopped the medication and quickly deteriorated.

These on again, off again experiences are what I am referring to as developing data.

I will not go into all the things I have discovered, just my latest finding.

As depression begins there is a noticeable change in the way I think. The difference is in quality. My mind while not depressed seems quicker and more powerful. I enjoy whatever I may be doing because I am enjoying how my mind is functioning. I am in the moment. I am planning and executing and producing. This can keep me amused for hours, days, weeks. It is fun to be me.

As depression begins, there seems to be a dullness in my thinking. I am not enjoying anything, just trying to get done. What I do does not seem to get done very well.

This makes sense.

What I have heard is that certain chemicals in the brain are necessary for proper brain function. The brain is made up of a vast number of nerves that are not physically connected. There needs to be a medium through which impulses can be sent from one nerve to another. In simple terms, the medium can be thought of as liquid. When there is sufficient or abundant fluid, the nerves can communicate well. Lacking enough liquid medium to function properly is the reason depression can happen. Antidepressants correct this condition of dryness.

What I have just recently noticed is that depression starts with an emotion very much like fear. There is also an element of anger as well.

I think that goes hand and hand with no longer enjoying thinking and planning and producing.

It causes fear because what was easy is now hard. Not just hard, but unavailable, gone. How I deal with life, what I do each day, who I am is GONE. This scares me. It also makes me angry. I want my mojo back!

The pain that accompanies depression seems to be composed entirely of fear and anger. These emotions are not tied to real life. Therein lies the mysterious nature of depression. It just does not make sense, nothing adds up.

I know I am not functioning properly. I am afraid and angry. Mystery solved?

I should mention that there is an alternative to antidepressants. It is supplement call 5HTP. It produces brain chemicals that help. There is reportedly a down side. This go round I am trying not to take it every day, only as needed. Up until recently that was working perfectly.

I am hoping my body will heal itself. Whatever causes my brain to dry up needs to go. Can it?

One other side note: in reading about different characters from history, so many have this same condition. When the person is from the far past, they simply become bed ridden for months at periods during their lives. Apparently, being able to think quickly, deeply and powerfully can cause major problems.


Love someone well today,

Bobby