Brain Damage

[I was a drop down drunk, but only briefly.

Thankfully, because of the brevity, I do not live with many of the harmful and permanent affects that typical sober people suffer from. I had a full health physical just after becoming sober. The doctor seemed pleasantly surprised that testing showed no liver damage.

The only exception that I am aware of is a diminished instant memory. This was explained to me by the same psychologist who prescribed Seroquel for my inability to normally recover from anxiety. Little things would keep me in a fetal position for hours and hours. That condition slowly improved, my missing immediate memory has not yet returned.

This is NOT the same as short term memory loss. In fact, (this is a strange phenomenon that happens to me) if I wait a bit, sometimes a memory will come back (I suppose as it crosses into short term). Sort of like a scrolling news ticker, info scrolls by and is immediately gone, but when you wait a bit and the data returns.]


Speaking of memory weakness---

Picture me developing a strategy for a work project. Our minds have the capacity to scribble notes, just like doing it on paper with a pencil or pen.

While these imaginary paper notes (for most people) are permanent and easily referred to as needed, my gray matter medium is much more like a chalkboard.

I will scribble notes on my mental chalkboard until I arrive at an reasonable understanding of the task. I am working backwards from the ultimate goal until I reach the most efficient method in a reverse linear format. This is good engineering.

Then, the most vital part becomes how it would be best to start the project. This last piece becomes the first step. Again, good engineering.

A simple example, clearing a particular space in a certain area because I will need it for materials or tools. One thing I might put on the chalkboard is all the characteristics of what is currently in the area and options on places they could best be moved to. That task would be one of many that comprise a subset of goals that are achievable first and achievable now (assuming I am starting now).

So far I am performing like many others. Nothing notable, but then...

My chalk board keeps only that portion (last thought, first action) of the whole- the smaller, achievable set of starting tasks along the road to the bigger goal. All the thoughts (mental notations) that went into arriving at understanding why this is so somehow and for some reason has been lost to my mind. Maybe I am crawling across it as I notate? There is just nothing left. Of course, I have the ability to recreate the same thing over again, but that is not the same as simply checking the notes I have already mentally written.

Remember the normal metaphor? When thoughts are on paper it is easy to examine HOW and WHY you have started where you have started. All I have is a bunch of mangled chalk dust!

Not for me! If asked why I am doing something, I draw a complete blank. Worse yet, since I am not adverse to answering the questioner, I become like a circular code spinning in place. There is no answer to the question in my mind. It was there once upon a time. I become frustrated thinking whether it is important to regenerate all that data from zero. I did the calculations, did my due diligence (double and triple checking the thoughts/ work) and am quite sure that there are REALLY GOOD REASONS for what I am doing just now.

Only...

I have no idea what they are any longer.

An interesting metaphor that follows is that sometimes there are interruptions.

Generally, I emotionally desire to get back to what I was last doing.

The chalkboard in my head is still clear for me to read (just the next steps remember).

The message on it is vulnerable.

After too long there will be another chalkboard with another message.

They seem to get stacked in a pile in my head. The lower in the stack a board is, the more likely the message has degraded. Eventually, what is there is undecipherable.

All in all, this condition presents a challenge to me. It can be fun, like doing a puzzle. For others that deal with me, meh, not so much.

One great advantage is that it is additional motivation to stay honest and true. If I always give my best effort, if I am always willing to do things the 'good' way, then I feel free. I do not have to rely on my memory at all. The calculating of my brain was done with good intent. It is like an anchor. Since I cannot explain why I am doing this or that, I is important to know that my intent is pure. What I am doing in spirit always has to be Right. So be it.

From this odd symptom generated by a weakness, I have accidentally found peace, at least of piece of the puzzle to build soulful peace. My days are productive. I take joy in helping others.


Love someone well today!

Bobby